ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize