I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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