two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize