Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
