If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Randomize
