I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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