I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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