I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize