Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize