my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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