Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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