Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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