Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
