Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
