Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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