M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
