why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just gift wrapped bread.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
