I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I fill condoms, not promises.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
