More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
