Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize