I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
