I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
