Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize