Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
