You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
