Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize