When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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