I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
