Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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