Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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