So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
