Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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