Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
