Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He better not be in your backpack
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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