he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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