Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
