The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize