just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am one with the molecules
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
