Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
