can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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