I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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