who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
