Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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