My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
