i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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