did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
