How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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