I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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