I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize