I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
