great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
