I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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