I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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