Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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