I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
