I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I need to calm my uterus...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
