I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
