I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
