wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Randomize
