If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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