I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
