You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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