So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
