Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
