when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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