There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize