oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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